Ledge(r)nd

It was a big shock on the breakfast shows yesterday morning (which I never watch but caught by accident) about the early death of actor Heath Ledger.

As Australians, we have a special place in our hearts (and lots of special places in our gossip magazines) for the Kangaroo contingent in Hollywood, and thus feel we really "know" our expats.

I did see him in "The Patriot" and was suitably impressed. All of his other movies (yes, even "Brokenback Mountain") unfortunately form part of the extensive list of movies that I have not seen. I am impressed he played in "Candy". This is one of my all-time favourite books - a very eye-opening and beautiful (if that is possible) portrayal of the very dark subject of heroin addiction.

Why is it that I seem to know way more about his personal life than his body of work? Truly it is a shame, especially as I never buy those rags and only see them at the houses of friends and family, and in waiting rooms. I find that really sad, because how much do we know of people through such journals?

I am not here to do the indepth "was he depressed, was it accidental, did he have (insert condition here)" analysis. No doubt some autopsy will eventually fill us in on his death, but only speculation and innuendo will fill in the moments before. What is known is he is dead and that is a pretty final statement.

I do know that he had a daughter, Matilda. Every Australian will give a wry smile at her name - it also holds a place in our lore.

I know nothing of Michelle Williams - but somehow I feel I know the place she is now. I assume their daughter was conceived and born of love and future plans. I know that feeling.

Somehow, for whatever reason, the relationship had not gone as planned and they had separated. I can tick that box also.

Now, he has died and she is the sole parent of a two year old girl - Michelle, unfortunately I so know where you are at.

You are the only memory holder of the relationship that formed her. You are the only one who can feel that fear, love, joy, pain as your daughter goes forth through the milestones of life. You are going to be going through grief but having to hold it together because you have a child that needs you. You may be second-guessing every step along the way and wondering if things could somehow have been different there - or there - or there - whether your daughter would still have her father - and what sort of father he may have been.

I don't have any advice - well, not in the "this is the perfect way to handle this" because I didn't always find my way the best way. That is the life of being the only parent, unfortunately. You make some mistakes, you live with it and move on. Sometimes you make the right decisions, but time moves too quickly to bask in the brief successes.

You can only do what you can to make your child understand the love that created her, the love that will still sustain her, and the fact that if you hold someone and their memories in your heart they still live in a way. You can only answer so many questions about the realities of death and try and make them fit the context of a 2 year old child - then a 3 year old child, then 4 and so forth.

In a way (and this is extremely callous but based on my experience and seeing the experience of other broken families) it is easier. You don't have the courtroom dramas, the dealing with ex and extended new families. You can create the perfect father out of the good memories that you have - and you can bury the not so nice things with him. You don't have the nitpicking over the way to parent, the way to educate, the way to act. You don't have the anxiety over whether he is pining for you or plotting ways of using your child to get back at you. You don't have the shadow of possibility that you may have worked things out.

I know that it is hard to be the person in your role - and I hope that along the way you find some of the things that I have found. I hope that you have a wonderful family who will support you through those tumultuous moments when the grief is overwhelming. I hope that you have fantastic friends who will include you and give you reprieve from being alone and fragile. I hope that the delights that your daughter shows you along the way will lift you up and give you the joy of what you have created. I hope that you can find peace in being a strong solo parent and great mother to your child. I hope that you may find the bonus of someone you can love and trust and that loves you and your child.

But most of all - I hope that you can get through all of this.

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By the way - after starting this post, I noticed a post on a new blog I have found - asking "What’s your advice for Heath Ledger’s ex?".

I actually think the hardest thing that she will have to deal with is something that very few of us have to face (thank goodness) and that is the relentless scrutiny by the media. It is hard enough to go through this without having the neighbours looking in.

Single Mother Abuse

Yesterday I had a workshop to attend on behalf of some volunteer stuff I do. When it was requested of me I had much inner negotiation over whether I should go, as it meant 4 hours where V would have to look after 'Salina. Now, I don't have any doubts about the fact that they would be fine without me, its just that I don't want to be "dumping" my child on my boyfriend too much - he is not a babysitter and I have been the solo mother for so long that I see her as my sole responsibility and it is a very hard habit to break.

It took them about .5 seconds to both say "fine".

So I head out to this workshop - 3 1/2 hours of looking for signs of abuse, legal responsibilities in reporting abuse and working on scenarios about abuse - all fun stuff.

In the room there were about 20 people - mainly Guide leaders and a few volunteers - and with a brief scan I would say all upright, church going, civicly responsible women.

During the first session, the trainer used as an example "a single mother with a drug addiction". Inwardly I cringed - bad call, as it can be any type of parent who has addiction issues that impact on a child in 1000 ways - but it was an isolated incident so didn't hop on my high horse (always saddled nearby).

In the second session we broke into groups of 4 to work on scenarios. Ours was to do with "a depressed, suicidal child of a single mother who is constantly berating and criticising her daughter about ruining her life, wishing she had adopted her out and blaming her for the dearth of boyfriends".

When asked about what issues would cause alarm I had to bite my tongue from sarcastically commenting "she has a single mother" - but I bit down hard.

Of the 9 scenarios used, 3 did not mention families, 3 did not mention family dynamics - and the others were the above, single mother's boyfriend and inebriated stepmother. Am I being oversensitive in thinking there was a bit of a bias here?

(How ironic that my child of a single mother was being babysat by my boyfriend while I was at a workshop highlighting the potential abuse of the situation of a single mother's boyfriend.)

I spoke with the trainer about it after the session - tried very had to hold back from personal attack or feeling personally attacked - but explained to her that they were all very stereotypical scenarios that reinforced a view of "non-nuclear" families that wasn't necessarily a true indication of all such families.

I also mentioned that many of the good women inside would already have on board a fair prejudice about such families and be keeping a hawk's eye on any charge that came in from such a fold - however, they may not notice indicators of abuse from those who came from "normal" families.

I admit that the trainer took that all rather well and I am very glad that I didn't go harridan on her!

Then I went home to my own little blended family - and found that the abuse handed out was that V had done a very smelly fart when reading on the couch! As my mother said, I need not worry too much, as 'Salina would report ANYTHING untoward.

As it was a rainy afternoon, we then watched a DVD - 'Salina's choice was "Miracle on 34th Street" - a favourite (and classic story starting with the main character Single Mother's daughter is watching the parade from the Single Male Neighbour's apartment window...)

I then abused her with some lice treatment (ongoing - I think I will just have to do it as long as she is at school!) and administered a little self abuse - so have given myself (as I did her) lots of medusa plaits...

Was I oversensitive? Is this only noticed by single mothers? I am not saying all single mother's are as pure as the driven snow - but I know many, many single mothers, and we aren't monsters either.