Good Morning Insomnia

and what a wonderful example of 1:45 in the morning this is.

Isn't it such a modern, first-world luxury?  Shame, I should be REVELLING in the ability to be unable to sleep.

Some people are apparently too darned tired to have such problems.  Hmph.  That just shows how ignorant some people are on the underlying cause of insomnia.

Having too many freaking problems.

Sure, they may not be the world-leading problems that should be keeping me awake, granted.

But thinking that I have failed my child - that is one that can be both indefineable and internationally shared - is a great one to worry you into the hours of the morning.

Then I worry that I will not be up and up to par for the day's tasks ahead, and that one is great for weaving into the insomniac narrative.

I can do an awesome number on not following dreams through being too scared.  Or up myself.  Or a bit of both.  Self-flagellation works from whatever angle you try on that lovely little mess.

The sudden memory of a missed bill - or message - or phone call - or task.  Sorting out the miscommunications of the past forty years.  Peering at the next 10 - years, months, days - with trepidation because I might have missed something.

"Don't worry Worry" - were you ever told that as a child?

To my mind, Worry must be a particularly scary fairy, alternatively unkempt and over-dressed, the manifestation of all my worst fears slumbering in the dusty shed of my psyche.

I tipitoe around Worry, so scared to wake it - because this anxiety that I have bouts of - about nothing, everything and whatever in between - is pretty harsh.

Imagine if I made it worse by worrying Worry about it all?

I warm some milk.  Who decided warmed milk was meant to be a cure?  I can imagine that the author of that information must have been rich, for refrigeration options would have to be paramount in the decision to push dairy products.  And then how to warm it?

While warming milk, the cat decides that it is time to demand a bit of attention - and by attention he means food.

He fixes me with that "and don't try to fob me off with that canned crap that is leftover in the fridge" glare.  You would think that this may be a comment on the quality of food available and the class of cat we are talking, but in fact it is just this particular varmint being as indeciferably fussy as possible.  I no longer have a "go to guarantee" with him.  Some days, the cheap stuff is all he will deign to eat, but the moment you lull yourself into a false sense of security, he will decide that no, in fact he is the cat who wants only fresh.  Or high-faluting stuff.

Paris is about to stir to claim her half of our bed.  I just heard the future rustle and my insomnia suddenly is pretending to be tired.

No comment required.

Insomnia-manial Interludes in the Early Morn...

(or, how Jeanie's Machiavellian mind conspires with 2014 to unveil the secret project)

Good evening - or rather, should I say, good morning, for the dial as just tipped past the 1:18am mark - I know this, as I have checked on its progress for the past 78 minutes.

Part of the past 78 minutes has been spent thus:

• Me: Perhaps if I lie on this side and clear my mind...


• Mind: ANOTHER BRILLIANT IDEA - WHAT IF WE HOP ONTO THE BLOG AND BLAG WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN


• Me: Shhhh - I am trying to sleep.  How about I try flat on my back and meditate...


• Mind: we can't go to sleep just now, we have to brainstorm - I have this surge of ideas that just require a bounce around.


• Me: Can you do it without me?


• Mind: no, no, no, no, no - it is only 25 days until that thing and IDEAS need IMPLEMENTATION!


• Me: But really, we are talking about a dream -


• Mind: that wasn't going to happen until you grasped the nettle.


• Me: I know.  I can't believe I did that.


• Mind: I can.


• Me: Its your fault.  We could have stayed safe and invisible and just paddled through 2014 the way we have paddled through -


• Mind: for 27 bloddy years.  ENOUGH. E-bloddy-NOUGH.


• Me: but its so easy making excuses.


• Mind: kicking the comfort zone out of the way now, honey - one, two...


• Me: You are being too bossy!


• Mind: That is because I AM the boss now.  No more pussy-footing around.  It's announcement  time, baby!!!


• Me: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! La la la la la la la la la....







• Me: Now look what you have done.


• Mind: Three.  tee hee hee hee

Remember the days of the 12:39 blog?

(Long, ranty, could be intensely stream of consciousness - I mean, its an insomnia post for goodness sake.  Feel free to scroll and then comment.   Except the Spammers.  They need to read it all.  I have some great Spammer points in here for them.  Some other points too - darn my disclaimer is going to get as wordy as the rest.  Stop)

(Oh, and mum - there are a couple of swear words - sorry!  Can you just pretend they aren't there? Cheers)

Actually, they were the 4 something-or-other blogs, but that is not the point to the story.

Because there is a point.

Anyway (enough with the interrogation), yesterday (or was it last night? - That whole midnight-dawn area is very shady with its specificities in description - mainly because those who haunt them have either

1. engaged strategies to ensure that a state of extinguished specificities is being or has been reached;
2. engaged strategies to ensure that a state of distorted specificities has been achieved;
3. some fucker is messing with their minds and descriptive specificities are reserved for the instigators or targets of the chaos;
4. they have babies. - Shhhhhhh......;
5. they are “working”;
6. they are writing poetry; strumming guitars; making love; watching wildlife; watching porn; making porn; eating kebabs; reading blogs; you-tube surfing stand-up comedy; listening to the roar of the wind, the surf, the snores, the peace and quiet; the yells and bangs; the ticking of clocks; the waiting for locks to un or mistakes to be undone or anyone to stop the rhyme;
7. or
8. are numerically inclined.

)

 

 

But as I was saying before I got taken away from my initial point, which was… 

About 24 hours ago I was still scratching my head about the scenario about 33 hours before that, and I couldn’t sleep because of the rage and disappointment and busy sifting back through what had entailed of the previous 5 months of my life and working out what the expletive-deleted had gone on… 

 

Well, now we are still in the same boat as we were in 24 hours ago. One daughter ticked over another digit and another major household bill has come to light (or perhaps not – little electrical humour inserted there). (As an aside, anyone know a good honest electrician – I refuse to let certain situations make me assume that I cannot hope for integrity in the world) 

I mean my headspace is in a much better spot (obviously) (apart from occasional flashbacks – the doctors assure me that will fade – possibly over time) (again, attempt at humour there folks). I no longer look in shock and rage at what was and what was not, but instead am looking at what I have left and thinking “okay, this is a gift forcing me in a completely new direction” and I am a bit scared but quite excited of what that new path may be, and if it is anything like the dream I have forming then that would be AWESOME – if not, its still awesome right now – and much better than allowing the negative forces to have any more little wins. 

 

And so instead of the 24 hours ago negative rant that I might have given you, had I not the good sense to self-censor (and really, it did have far too many “fucking” and “asshole” and other words that I hope my mother failed to see in that example) - well, its a pathetic "instead I give you this" gesture, but  - here we go - ta-da.  ! 

The new dream is foolish but positive and a literal jump off a cliff, I will let this sit for 10 minutes while I contemplate before I hit publish or let the demons of self doubt make me delete – but publish it shall be – because that is just the sort of foolishness that marked the beginning of this blog, and one of the freedoms I have been given is I can be a fool, and by being one will do so with a smile and a nod to some of the great fools in life. 

Perhaps. 

(Oh, and because I actually had ONE spammer in my tens of spam comments I have had in the past month since I took the chastity belt – uh, verification – off my comments – tell me I should have more photos to go with my words – obviously I was making his/her job difficult – I will put in a little thinking picture.) 

 

 

(Oh, and since I have made the spammers read all the way down to here, can I offer you one little bit of advice? When you do put spam comments on my blog, couldn’t you perhaps make some sense? I am quite willing to contemplate your integrity and righteousness, as long as you are willing to contemplate that I am a sentient being and will mark you as spam with your little links to glomesh or exchange rates or gold or helping Albanianian shepherds exotic daughters stranded in downtown Manhattan with only a million dollars and a chance to grab it by you giving them a token for a wiggle of her buxom busom – yeah, make it real.) 

ha - like I make sense.

I do hope that the messing with the spammers brains I am doing right here is a community service and not some sadistic psychopathic streak in me (and why didn't anyone tell me such merde was contagious - again, a little dig showing that my recent experience has probably affected me far more than the average screwing over should) (I will try to get that whole bitterness thing toned down) 

(Oh, and if the spammers got that far, hopefully the real people have got this far, and can I ask that you one day attempt to outnumber the spammers – that would be cool – no pressure though. I’m not needy or anything. 

I mean, to be up at 1.09am writing stream of consciousness because it suddenly feels liberating, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that?

)

 (Is there?) 

Well, maybe not in whatever the new path may be. 

(I think that is all) 

(For now) 

Sleep tight. 

 (Images courtesy of the current fascination Paris has with the camera)

This whinge is brought to you by the letter I

You would think, after a near all-nighter the other night and brain-drain yesterday, when I flaked in bed at 9.40pm last night, I would stay there, wouldn't you?

I mean, it is what NORMAL people do, isn't it?

But no, insomnia came along and whispered to me at 10.00pm. Yes, so tired I dropped off and got a whole 20 MINUTES before I woke!!

By 10.30, I gave up. The good news is that I got a heap of housework done and caught up on a taped show that otherwise would have been buried before watching.

I didn't turn on the 'puter, because I knew that my brain wasn't quite up to logicking and therefore worktime would be wasted.

I got back to bed at 12 - but not before accidentally leaving a window open to allow Eddie to sneak out.

That would mean that my Eddie alarm-clock had been deactivated for the morning, but unfortunately couldn't turn off the old sun one, which is now set for 1/4 to 5...

So today - I am still on this last job... It should be rolled so quickly, but then one little problem emerges and it can take hours to pinpoint.

I do have high hopes of finishing today - although of course I have to go out twice for school things and V is home, which is NOT conducive to coding (love him dearly, don't need someone to offer me a rub or cuppa while trying to figure loops and breakpoints).

Then all I have to do is rearrange the house, clean, get Christmas gifts, install car seats, finalise stuff for end of year at school, pack a bag and get my head around having another child - after that, the baby is allowed out but NOT BEFORE.

Might even try and squeeze in that whole get fit, get beautiful and organise world peace while I am at it!!!

(Speaking of which - BB sent me a pic of the well-turned ankle - see end of post...)

I think it has turned - kicks are in different part, but still fairly transverse. I caved and bought a few mangoes yesterday (still cannot justify to my inner miser the $2.50 price tag) and am going to dole judiciously. V doesn't like them - unfortunately I taught 'Salina good taste and so will have to share a little.

(Oh - and the greatest pain of pregnancy is the complete lack of footwear available in my cupboard that offer anything in the way of style - actually, that is a general problem but can blame it on pregnancy - gotta get the mileage.)

Using the sunlight of others to guide me...

Yet another 3.30am start here - getting boring. The worst bit really about insomnia is not the lack of sleep, its the lack of energy come 9am - you know, when I should be DOING STUFF!!!

Still, I have put it to good use this morning. Yessirree - I have me a list already (shhhh for those who may say its really yesterday's list that didn't get done) and I have found my silver lining.

We don't have daylight savings - so really, that is 4.30 in those deluded Southern states - which I have moved into my "acceptable times to be awake" category of late.

In New Zealand, it is 6.30 - that is a really reasonable time, I could just pretend to be Kiwi (except I would feel all funny about losing my vowels like that).

Its 10.30 yesterday morning where V's mum is, so I can imagine a whole 'nother day at my disposal.

Its 7.30 last night where 'Salina's grandpa lives with a good night's sleep in front of him...

Thank goodness for the internet where I found those silver linings - because the howler from the North done blown away all the clouds and its far too dark a sky to find anything!!

Insomnia came flying in on a broomstick this morning...

It is an absolute howler here - I don't know how that bird outside is twittering above the whir of the shutters as the wind, fresh from the Pacific, slices through the house and any crack it can investigate is sought.

I can also hear the washing machine. No, I haven't already been up and done a load (it is still dark outside no matter WHAT Eddie says) but the ghost beeping I heard before bed last night that I was willing to blame on imprinted memory from the beeping the three times previous on the same load was apparently the real thing.

V is lucky, industrial deafness has cured him of the ability to get completely annoyed by this new trend of the washing machine. Me, on the other hand - it rattles my psyche and although I put on a veneer of bravado and assure him (and myself) that it is a drainage issue with the tubs, there is a part of me thinking of the sagas this machine and I have shared and shuddering at the possibilities.

This is why my washing never gets completely done, you know. A front-loader is wonderful for some really good reasons - less water, clean clothes - but the downside is the time factor. Add to that a few times requiring me to press the button to stop the beeping (assuming I am here and therefore able to respond in a timely manner) and the "coupla hours" for a load can well cover half a day (or more) - times the number of loads I am having to do anyway due to the backlog, it seems EVERY DAY is washing day around here.

After a rather interesting end to the weekend involving making my daughter cry and me using a curse word for effect during my lecture (up there with my fine mothering moments - sorry Mum) both 'Salina and I have agreed that we are going to try switching our brains on as much as possible during the day and see if we can develop a new habit.

Of course, my brain switching itself on at an early hour is an old habit that does not always have beneficial side effects... I have confidence that today will be different, and I intend to go for an all or nothing approach to each hour and each task.

Obviously I am also quite delusional (probably the lack of sleep) but what are your tricks to having your brain switched ON and making the most of your day?