In which the cat, the computer and the cunning of a 10 year old are all discussed

Eddie-cat is beside me, yelling that he has not been fed to the full quota for a gentleman cat of certain years.  

(this photo is obviously from Christmas rather than today.  This is his "nothing to look at here" pose as he dreams of days when that red bauble would be far more enticing)

He was lying, of course, with a half-bowl of food disregarded because it was on the wrong side of the bowl.

I, his slave, turned his bowl around for him.

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I watched a video on Facebook recently that really made me think about various conversations that I have had with my mother over the years in regard to technology.

My mum was a pioneer in computers in our region, really.  We had a computer in the early 80s that was the same prices as a small car and you needed to park it to switch in on or off.

I was blessed with her genes, and cursed too - for I get to watch my future at times.

I love my mum to pieces, and sometimes she is akin to her own mother, the lovely Marty, who made us all laugh with her antics.

One Saturday morning she rang me with a curious problem.

Her computer screen display was upside down.

She is a lady "old enough to be my mother" whose cataracts at the time were no longer cateracting as best they ought, whose growing distrust of the industry spawning the inbuilt longevity-issues with her technology choices (with good, and well-delivered tales of plausibility) - and NOW with a very visual "take that" from the Universe - so she rang me over the landline to discuss solutions.

This was an interesting problem from my point of view, mainly because (a) I could only advise based on the information that she was able to give me, and (b) knowing that technology EXISTS - BASIC technology exists whereby she could have SHOWN me the problem and I could have possibly offset the frustration of having to describe to her what she had to do IN REVERSE and MIRROR TEXT - but of course, hindsight is 2020.

(And yes, welcome to the first, and only, 2020 joke of the year.  We will now resume normal transmission)

and (c) then you have to convert it to Windows 7.

Anyhow, Mum, Ronny Chieng's mum isn't as awesome as you.  I am sure that I would hold state secrets.

(Oh, and he probably - okay, he does, he swears.  I agree, there is too much gratuitous swearing these days - yes, those days too but not the same and not as much.)

(But he is funny.)

Ronny Chieng - Ronny Chieng - teaching mother to use computer

 

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I don't know how it got to this, but Paris is now 10 years old and part of her wants to be a You Tuber.  

We who must be obeyed are not so enamoured of that idea as she is...

She is also getting to an age where the more not enamoured her parents are to an idea, 

the more she wants to argue about clinging to that idea 

and so to offset that we pretend not to be even noticing or flinching when she brings up the concept 

desparately hoping that any slight cessation of hounding either means 

• she is over this particular phase 
• OR she too is foxing her disdain to offset our disdain to counteract - well, you get the picture (or maybe you need a diagram)

The worst bit is, there are moments in the marvellous clamours and defense strategies of this child that are sharp well-defined memories of myself at that age.

I had a bit of a reputation for being always up for an argument.

But it took me years to perfect the art-form and how to make it work in real life.

And I want to impart the knowledge that I have gained so she can shortcut all the fruitless arguments in her future...

and all she wants to do is to argue with me.

And I will give her this.

She is gooo-ood.

Its not all arguing, though.  She also negotiates.

Last night, she discovered that Mummy had accessed the leftover Christmas goodies, and put aside two small chocolates to reward herself with post the "sitting outside the bedroom door and avoid coversations raised by a 10 year old and hopefully BORE HER to sleep" labour of love.

She DEMANDED that I sign an IOU ON THE SPOT - that she be given a chocolate the next morning from the stash.  She grabbed a tissue and, without even unfolding it, took a pen and WROTE OUT AN IOU - with space for me to sign and for her to witness my signature.

I signed, of course.  It saved an argument.

What was the FIRST THING that she did on waking this morning?

Presented me with my IOU.

The worst thing is, those two bits of chocolate?

Disappointing. 

(Mmm - but the one I had just then was pretty good actually.  Note to self.  Brown wrapper.)

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Happy new year all.  Its been a big one so far.  How about you?

Hector

As has been previously mentioned, technology and I have had a complicated relationship.

It appears, to paraphrase on old chestnut, that I like my technology like I like my men.  Affordable, prone to defects and never doing exactly what I want it to do RIGHT NOW. *

Ahem.

Well, you know what I mean.

Lets not pretend I have never had a stereo system in a car remain - or even begin - functional as a system designed to furnish me with any listening pleasure whatsoever.  

Excuses from that field of technology range have varied:

• stolen;
• needs a code you will never know, mua-ha-ha-ha;
• has the turn down volume function working just fine, but requires a date divisible by both eight and six on a full moon Sunday to ever contemplate the up direction of sound;
• finally threw enough money at a local business and their know-how to install something with lights and sound and how freaking fabulous is that only(operational by a remote!!) to have the car written off and nobody thinking to remove the darned stereo; and finally
• will only land on six stations and the CD-player is stuffed - but that is okay, the air-con is also stuffed and so the windows need to be down and you can't hear a darned thing anyway.

And I am okay with that.

Tic.

Obviously.

And we know about the washing machine woes and the fridge woes and indeed, the bathroom woes *** 

But tonight - well, tonight may have just tipped the entertainment options on the audio-visual devices available in the household.

On the surface, we are sitting pretty.  A telly and DVD-player in the lounge.  A telly and DVD-pvr recorder **** in the bedroom.

Four remote controls.  At one point, we had EXACTLY THE SAME remote in both rooms but doing different jobs.

We have heard rumours of solutions to the universal problem of allocation of muscle memory to ever changing gadget layouts, but we fatefully know that change created by the continuous need for upgrades of technology and options moves too fast for so-called "solutions".

We know people who remember the Beta lesson, and we dare not fasten our faith too firmly.

Indeed, at one stage we even owned a universal remote control - a novelty one, it is true, but it disappeared one post holiday clean up many years ago and we know that it was not meant to be.

Anyhow - do you know how some remotes have just stupid layouts where you know the designer was using the qwerty approach and placing the most common control combinations in the most awkward of layouts?  And then there is the whole should volume or channel controls be the left toggle or the right?  

And then there is the expletive-deleted ones that have that ONE button - that ONE button, where, when you push it, things happen.

That expletive-deleted-er that moves in a time-zone that is not akin to the one we travel in.  It can react before you even think about pushing it - and it can seem to not respond and fob you off until the THIRD time you push it, when it casually flicks out a response and then another and leaves you in that circle of hell of wondering if the THIRD signal had gone through?

No?  Come on, I can't believe I am the ONLY person in this universe that has one that has its EPG where its sub-titles should be, its sub-titles in an obsure right combination that seems to be playing battleship with your thumb, and its SOURCE  button where the EXIT ***** button should be - and that SOURCE button is truly an expletive-deleted minefield to chance upon.

And tonight?  Tonight, the expletive-deleted button chanced upon a whole-new avenue to annoy because I actually was choosing to put in a DVD to watch, something I have not done of late.  And boy, was that device expletive-deleted-off with me for not paying it enough attention.

The television was set to bouncing logo and cool jazz, but I stupidly had made other plans for this evening.  We're tired.  Its Sunday.  Maybe something short but worthy to view to finish off the weekend.  The documentary that I have just finished had ended on a pretty dismal note, and so something a little lighter.  I actually had stuff from the library that promised such an outcome.   I was so confident that this was a possibility that I had not even considered any other avenue of excitement.

Cue the ominous music.

I picked up the remote, chose the above-mentioned  button, and nothing happened.

Or rather, something happened that was one-half of what was expected to happen to happen - to happen...

Anyhow, the display on the device not connected to the remote - from now on called "the tele" - I was pressing changed, which generally meant that the signal being received from the device conneted to the remote  - from now on called "Hector" - had changed - but intriguingly, NOT the combination of blue digital display on Hector. ******

But, do not forget that this is the button that also has an issue with the regularity of time and has no regard - so I waited.  Nothing changed.

Then I pressed it again.  

It all happened at once.  There is a brief-yet-discernible flicker on "the tele" of Hector's logo and a noise - a noise! - from Hector - before "the tele" flicked back to cool jazz and Hector blinked out the old digital display.

Now imagine that happening SEVEN times - because I could not BELIEVE that Hector would do that to me.  

It must have been what buttons I pressed.  I pressed again.  Half-nothing / flick to lulling you into belief something may happen / expeletive-deleted you, no score!

I tried other buttons.  Half-nothing / flick to lulling you into belief something may happen / expeletive-deleted you, no score!

I switched it to telemarketing.  Half-nothing / flick to lulling you into belief something may happen / expeletive-deleted you, no score!

I even tried sitting down, from different angles and under the supervision of V.  Yeah.  You know.

So obviously, I decided to blog and plot the demise of Hector and yet again wonder - is it me?  

Is this carp I live with an isolated incident - a desert camp - amidst overwhelming harmony with technology in our life?

Is this just the way that it is these days, so suck it up princess, get used to it because the rest of the world sure has?

Is this just a run of bad luck?

Or is Hector actually the new wave of terrorism...  ********

Discuss.

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* Don't get me wrong.  I also like my men like I like a good novel.  Intriguing, surprising and enriching the fabric of life.**

** And I like my technology like I like political debates that focus on the fiscal future with no regard to social, environmental, sustainable and conscionable outcomes.  Yeah, lets not go there...

*** although that is more logistical than technological - hoping to slip that one in with nobody noticing 

**** glorified lamp, emitter of signal outages and bouncing screen-saver screen. 

***** my first tilt at this word, I mis-typed as "EXIST" - still works, but changes the meaning!

****** funnily enough, the reason for SEVERAL stereo systems and one car system's demise was indeed due to lack of digital display dots... *******

******* okay, maybe not that funnily enough.

******** although, the threat of no DVD you will have to blog again is pretty lame, I think.

So gee whiz, Olympics, Modern Technology and a good dose of paranoia for fun...

in a completely localised sense, of course.

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Television viewing has not so much been a "political decision" in this household for a while now as it has been a "weighing up whether we could be bothered against if we are receiving any transmission in viewable format".

I do believe I have blogged previously about the trials and - well, trials - of our great leap forward in in-house entertainment options, (here, here, here, and here)  but, on the whole, Sochi has been a GREAT disappointment here in Paradise.

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For a start, it has been on what - about a month and a half now?  (Settle Pedants, I was using exaggeration for effect there)

You know how you watch the Winter Olympics because you secretly wish to see some spectacular - but safe - crashes? *

Well, thanks to the miracle that is Digital Television, it sort of looks like that most of the time. 

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You know that the Nanny State has won, when they enforce a technology onto the masses that can create digitalised disasters during this quadrennial banquet of possibility just for me.

Because we know that I wield that sort of power - it may be called paranoia, but that doesn't mean it isn't real...

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Anyhow, as I was saying, upon having an internal slugfest in my ethical minefield, I had managed to contort myself to consider it a supportive gesture of those who I wished to support in the whole legalisation of sexuality choices and my personal wintery sportslust by yelling loudly at officials from my living room and "tish"ing when it was mentioned.   I even contemplated (seriously) sharing the positive mentions.

Also, given some of the actions by governments around the world of late, I had been doing far too much "tish"ing,  and even muttering frowny faces under my breath.

Therefore, I had logiced** that I chose to celebrate participation by sporting lunatics of all genders and persuasions undertaking these events by exercising my right to remote control access.

Unfortunately, my technological overlords had a few dissenting thoughts about my political stance, and invoked the "not while a Northerly is blowing" clause with our television reception.

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It still must amaze the bewildered out there that there is occasion when Paradise gets a bit - um - breezy - who would have gambled on THAT on the coast?

So some bureaucratic ba'tard in the bowels of Digital Television Intelligence is taking great delight, I am sure, in ensuring that the majority of my viewing becomes a complete screen of witness protection.

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We have had approximately four days of trouble free Sochi viewing - and you can't count one of them, because I didn't realise it was on.

This meant we got to see a few first rounds of the flying downhill on skis, doing twirly things up to three stories high and landing jumps.  That was fun.  

No way in the world I would ever do that, though. For a start, look at those hills!  The only way I would get from the top to the bottom of any of these hills is very cautiously on my bottom, or as a snowball.

And am I ever glad that it is on too late for Paris to transfix for too long on the "Snow Show" - because if there is one guarantee in her life, and that is her mother will NEVER allow her to catapult herself several stories of Terra Firma, so it is a dream that is best never planted.

We also got a bit of Skeleton and Curling.  I understand neither, and one very wicked part of me wonders if any madmen had ever contemplated the entertainment potential of a hybrid sport.  There is probably a game app out there already...  ***

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However - however Mr Northerly came a blowing, thus we will NEVER know what happened in the USA - Russia Ice Hockey match (although V did valiantly attempt to decifer frames of it).

V was an Ice Hockey player in his youth (in Southern California - go figure).  Let us such let the blanks speak for themselves in regards to his current view of the successive governments in this forsaken land and their media enhancement choices.

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Still, what else is there to do in a small town...

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*  (Personally, I am still amazed at the fact of snow, so I can look at the idiot box like a guppy usually during such an opportunity.)

** Logicked?  Logic-ed?  Logericked?  Past tense of the verb "to logic" - or have I verbalised a noun here?  Help!!

***Games developers - feel free to run with this idea.  I am imagining a sort of downhill pinball type situation (add in an element of the Slalom) , is that what is going on in your head?

Discovered a gem

Technology arrives slowly (although not always gracefully  - as illustrated...*)

and I would like to announce that THIS WEEK marks the week where we finally triggered the step that enabled us to not only RECORD what is shown on television, but also to WATCH IT BACK!

I know - its a winning combination - a luddite geek.

It only took:

• Watching the technology approach, arrive at station and start to leave (about 7 years)
• Actually BUY a DVD Player WITH Recording Ability (about 5 months ago)
• Buy two at the same time, because the old one died and we have 2 televisions and it had taken us several weeks between the death of the old one and this purchase so we thought best to strike while the card was hot
• Actually INSTALL a new DVD Player in the Living Area to replace the dead one (about 3 months ago)
• (but fail to install the recording one for some logic lost forever involving the television set in the bedroom that actually didn't have enough cables because the technology in that area still relies upon a relay of antenna to set top box to television set and the introduction involved an unresolveable loop, it happens)
• Work out the above addendum after the apparent suicide of the new DVD Player that was not the recording one (about 6 weeks ago)
• Discover that, although it is a DVD Player WITH Recording Ability, it does not record to a DVD (about a week ago)
• Discover I had a USB with enough memory on to contemplate recording (about a week ago)
• Work out how to record using the incredibly complicated remote control with additional handicap of remotus batterium decelerationisation ** (about a week ago)
• Work out how to replay FROM the USB directly into the television (about a week ago)
• Work out how to replay PROPERLY from the USB directly into the television using the incredibly complicated remote control with additional handicap** (about a week ago)
• Work out how to FAST FORWARD through the replay (about a three two one days ago)
• Work out how to STOP in the right spot of the replay (ha ha ha)
• Work out how to REWIND (although it doesn't really "wind" does it?) through the replay 
• Work out how to FAST FORWARD through the replay
• Work out how to STOP in the right spot of the replay
• Work out how to REWIND (although it doesn't really "wind" does it?) through the replay
• Work out how to SCENE FORWARD through the replay (about a two one days ago)
• Work out how to FAST FORWARD through the replay
• Work out how to STOP in the right spot of the replay (HA HA BLARDEE HAR)
• Work out how to REWIND (shaddup)
• Work out how to FAST FORWARD 
• Work out how to STOP in the right spot of the replay (Faaaaaaaa)
• Work out how to REWIND
• Work out how to just sit quietly and watch

And before I get sidetracked (you wouldn't believe what gets edited OUT around here - I know, more verbose that this - ahem...)

What we watched was Raw Comedy Grand Final 2013 - which was okay, not as good as some other years (mainly due to the propensity to "push the boundaries" where, quite frankly, I have discovered I am not in the mood to push when attempting to enjoy humour), there was one absolute gem of a find.

(And can you believe, not one clip on the whole entire Googledom?!  Eek - come to our place, we might have worked out how to FORWARD to her set in a reliable yet speedy manner - I said technology had arrived, not that it had settled in.)

Anyway, as I was saying, last night (okay, and the night before - and the night before that - we don't watch an awful lot in each sitting, and we are yet to learn the intricate ways of the remote complicated by the additional handicap **) we were FINALLY watching the (end of the) Raw Comedy Grand Final 2013 that we had recorded the weekend before (and which may have been a repeat of an earlier played show - geez, enough with the interrogation) we found a fantastic new talent.

(I found something)

Anyhow - Demi Lardner - winner of the Raw Comedy Grand Final 2013, so the judges were right - and recently equal winner of 2013 So You Think You're Funny at the Edinburgh Comedy Festival.  (Anyone else read that and feel like calling it "Edin-burgh' with emphasis on the "burGH"?)

Anyhow - in the timeless words of Molly Meldrum, do yourself a favour.  (If you are in Adelaide - and I am looking at you, Jen - go check her out and welcome her home next week)

(and  I am eagerly anticipating the creation of a better internet presence - hint hint)

BTW - absolutely nothing was paid for this endorsement, but should the tour ever come near Paradise I wouldn't say no to my name being on the door - just saying.

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* - I swear - I don't have vampire hands in real life - I blame the lighting - well, if I was a decent photographer I would blame the lighting.

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** - remotus batterium decelerationisation - but apparently we don't have gettuppem and goem to carry out a batterectomy - its an ongoing saga in Paradise...

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So what did you discover this week? What mountains were finally scaled in your world. And did you laugh?