Friday, December 04, 2009

Bathing - the adventure of a 39 week 2 day pregnant woman on a Friday night.

There was nothing on the tv, and after a harsh morning cleaning (the tuckshop) and the overwhelming (olfactory) urge to bathe, a decision that the black hole in entertainment between 'Salina's bedtime and Outrageous Fortune coming back onto Free-to-Air television in Australia (to see what that may mean to me, I have a thing for Outrageous) (oh, and if I were in Auckland I would definitely do this) would be best filled by running the tub and submerging.

So the bath was filled (yoga positioning required. Lean forward and gently toward the taps, hoping desparately that the centre of gravity would remain in the legs section of the torso and not suddenly tip into the leaning bit - gravity truly sucks sometimes), using the occasional dabble of the right foot for temperature control. There is a conscious thought process on the advisability of adjusting the temperature too finely, as the above step of balance is to be taken seriously with every nudge of the taps.

Getting in to the bath is itself convoluted and requiring several steps.

First, ensure that you are far enough from the plug end to allow room for the eventual placement of legs after lowering - this also means not so close to the slopey (sp?) end of the bath that the tailbone may impact above the bend.

Once correct positioning has been reached, attempt a squat - as you pass the point where your knees may get close to collapse, take the weight off one leg and try to extend it forward WHILE balancing on the other and extending your arms to catch the side of the bath. Continue the downward trajectory until such time as gravity takes over and you plummet.

The "getting into the bath" stage should take place when the water level is not going to be too adversely affected by the Archimedes principle under pressure.

Once in the bath, you are able to use your right foot to adjust the water temperature and turn off the water once the plumb line has been reached. This is a good thing, as there is a very non-pregnant chance in Hades that you would be able to reach down to your ankles and adjust manually.

Now the bath has been run and horizontalish as been achieved, soaking, reading and wallowing may be contemplated. Ignore the water temperature, as once the water is off there is no factor that can be influenced in that matter until removal of body from the bath. Therefore it is adviseable to stay in the water until 7 minutes before unbearable to take full advantage of all the effort that has led to this point.

Once upon a non-pregnant time, the deadline used to be 2 minutes to allow for 2 minutes ablutions before arising, effortlessly and Venus-like, from the waters.

At 39 weeks 2 days pregnant, washing is not the mindless activity that thence it was. You will need all of the 4.5 minutes you allocate for this task just to attempt to reach all frontiers with soap - rinsing is somewhat easier, as you can throw water in the general direction.

With the last 2.5 minutes, exit strategies must be used.

First, sit up.

(ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)

Please use whatever handholds the bath offers to achieve this - there is no pride available in this step.

Next, cross legs - again with the yoga, I know, but it is a step that is required when your ankles have no flex left and you have to get to vertical somehow.

Now, grasping the end of the bath, try to twist your legs around to one side of your body, hopefully ending up with both of them facing the same way and in correct order. You may need to rock a bit to achieve this, as momentum can be your friend but can also get you stuck if your timing is off.

With both legs to the side (left is my preference) you then need to attempt to raise your torso enough to get said legs to a position approximating beneath you.

Now, lean forward to place your palms on the bottom of the bath and raise yourself onto all-fours. Move through whatever tortures are required to get to Downward Dog and, using the sides of the bath, bathroom fittings and whatever furnishings within reach until vertical is achieved.



Rootietoot said...

Won't be long, you'll be all svelte again and holding a beautiful li'l bebeh! I remember asking Himself to help put my socks on.

Melody said...

Oh yes. Exiting the bath when heavily pregnant is not elegant. Not elegant at all in my books.

At least I never had to bother with the sock problem. I was preggers durning the 'HOT' season so Birkenstocks were the footwear of this pregnant woman.

The countdown is now seriously on isn't it?

Sarah Lulu said...

You did so well!

I was a tiny bit worried you were using a wireless laptop ..and the end of the story was going to be ...

I can't get out!!!

Debby said...

Yep. I gave up bathing, and stuck to showers. To avoid getting stuck.

Jayne said...

I gave up on the baths when I couldn't reach behind properly lol.
LOVE Outrageous Fortune!

Farmers Wifey said...

Great step by step instructions...well done!!!!

Maude Lynn said...

This is hilarious!

I had to stick to the shower to avoid getting stuck in the tub!


Get any larger and the family might just have to take you outside and hose you down.

Funny post.

jeanie said...

Rootie - I have to laugh at your comment every time I am putting on underwear now!! Thank goodness no socks in Summer here.

Melody - I am a big fan on slip on shoes right now - finally found a pair that actually fit AND support. Not long now.

Sarah Lulu - I have not yet been so game as to blog IN the bath - while bump is good, it may not hold the lappie steady enough for surfing.

Debby - yes, but I LOVE my baths. Showers are everyday here - baths are my little bit of luxury.

Jayne - its Series 5!! I feel like shaking my fist at Aus TV and ask what happened to Series 3 and 4. Oh well, looks like we will have to improve the NZ economy and catch up on DVD.

Farmers Wife - as they are all such conscious movements, recall is easy!

Mama Zen - this time last time around I could only shower and no longer bathe - skinnier bath.

Elizabeth - I am sure 'Salina would be willing!!

MissyBoo said...

LOL - I can just picture it!!!

Mistress B said...

the visual image of a nekkid, preggers, downward dog in the bathtub is just priceless! lol

BB said...

Ahhhh funny girl!!!

Make a printable version of this - all pregnant women need one!

PS WV is "exeddch" which I suspect was among the words you uttered at the end of this post?

Leenie said...

Okay, third time to this post. Not for weird reasons, but because the first time I was sneaking a peek during work hours and could see this would take some focus. Second time, late last night I read the whole fun post and was too bonkers tired to remember to tell you: I understand and wish you and your baby all the very best in your upcoming adventure. Thank heavens for being able to Downward Dog without losing balance. :D

Nikki aka Widdle Shamrock said...

lol. Precious. I too remember all too well bathing when pregnant, lol.

I am so excited for you. Not long to go. All the best.

Tracey said...

Love it. Tell me (as someone who isn't that into baths anyway), was it worth it?!!
(Mind you, I am someone who, the morning I started going into labour with #2, after having had a bout of gastric the day before(!), fainted in the shower. Or rather, out of the shower. Maybe a bath might have been safer that morning, I would have been wedged in!)

jeanie said...

MissyBoo - I am sure your imagination will do it justice.

MisstressB - new header in mind...

BushBabe - it reminded me of a story you once did about your wrecked knee and showering at Granite Glen.

Nikki - each day is a day closer.

Tracey - every bath is worth it!

tiff(threeringcircus) said...

Bwahahahahahaha! Oh goodness I remember heavily pregnant and bathing did not go well for me. I actually got very very stuck when I was pregnant with Immy and Maddy. Dave had to peel me from the porcelein. I had somehow created a suction pad underneath my back and when I finally broke that suction I came away with a great big slurping noise.
I didn't bath again fro a very very long time afterwards.

jeanie said...

Oh Tiff - you hear about it and think "does it really happen?" - I am so sorry it happened to you!

A Novel Woman said...

There was no way I could take a bath at the end of my pregnancies. It wasn't the getting IN, it was the getting out. And we won't even talk about that little thing called displacement. As I recall, I could fill the bathtub on about a gallon of water.

Best of luck. Let's hope you don't do what I did and squeeze out an 11 pounder! Although squeeze is a bit of an understatement....